My blog peep G. posted something interesting a couple of days ago about Butch Dismissal. Apparently butches are not always welcome in the lesbian community. Which comes as a surprise to me. For a long time the femme problem was prevalent, i.e. femmes aren’t real lesbians, and so on. But G. says that a lot of femme women think butches aren’t sexy and many personal ads even explicitly state “no butches”. What the hell? I can respect that someone just isn’t into the butch look and feel, but for a lot of people the term “butch” seems to be an opposite to sexy, appealing, attractive, stylish etc. in general.
So butches have a hard time because they get a lot of disrespect from the femme girls, right? And femmes have an invisibility problem. And then there’s people like me (or my girlfriend), the whatever-the-hell-I-am-type. And we have problems with the community too. Because we don’t fall into any category. I’m not exactly butch. I’m not femme. I have not even enough androgyny to pull of some decent cross dressing. I’m somewhere in between.
Sure, most of the time I like that I can’t be put into a box. And I have the advantage that I can femme it up or butch it up according to daily mood. Although to be honest, the reactions I get once I do that are unbelievable. If a girl like me puts on some make up and nail polish… it is discussed… at length… wherever I go. Work colleagues – check. My parents – check. Friends – check. “Ohhh since when are you wearing nail polish?” “Makeup? Hm…” Just imagine what happens if I dare to wear sneakers, loose jeans and a male-looking button up shirt the next day? They clearly don’t know what to do with me. So that’s the fun part of it.
But being this undefinable also comes a) with a lack of role models*, b) with a serious clothes shopping handicap and c) have you heard anyone say “Oh man, I’m so into these girls that are neither butch nor femme”? I haven’t. So that makes random pulling at a bar a bit hard. Which is probably part reason for my extreme delve into being “properly lesbian” shortly after coming out. I cut my hair really short, went for the butch look and behaviour and had a way easier time scoring chicks. Because I was properly identifyable as gay. The problem: That’s not really me. So I had to backtrack, find out where I ended and this persona started, to be able to be me and be apart from the polarity that is “butch” and “femme”.
I realise this might not be considered a “real” problem like femme invisibility and prejudice against butches. But it seems that there are issues within lesbian communities around the world that really shouldn’t be. Whether it’s femme invisibility, butch dismissal or something in between.
By the way, G., rest easy, I know a lot of chicks who think butches can be way sexy 
Thought you should probably come to Vienna, because as far as I can remember the community here butches can score pretty easily. Although I have to admit it’s been a while since I went out to any lesbian events I don’t think much has changed in the past 3 or so years.
* No, Dani Campbell/Futch doesn’t work for me, because that’s basically just clothes/role model for skinny butches. Unfortunately.
12/24/2009 at 2:17 am
I never bought into the label thing either. I suppose, if pressed…I am a femme and my partner is a butch. But, seriously, we are neither and that is just fine. I think that most of us are just…us.
12/27/2009 at 8:56 pm
I understand the struggle and desire and impossibility to fit in.
(gotta tell you about it all when we meet again for tea and cookies – quintessence: You can’t press yourself into mainstream labels because mainstream is for suckers)
I wrote something long aout it but accidently deleted it in the end
I’ve got to share a very strange realiation I just had when I (unsuccessfully) posted here:
I think I wouldn’t understand half of the trouble you are going through if I wasn’t a mother. That was my being different to everyone else (and, no, Austrian society doesn’t approve of children. And even less of young mothers)
12/29/2009 at 6:12 am
I know I’m late commenting on this, but hey – excellent post!
I think it’s definitely a “real” problem, as you put it. My whole goal by writing about femme invisibility and butch dismissal is to hopefully raise awareness among the LGBT community that hey, we all belong here. I’m not against labels as long as people use them without ignorance or prejudice. I didn’t know what the experience was for anyone in between, so to speak, so I’m glad you’re speaking up about it.
It’s nice to see you writing again!
01/04/2010 at 6:42 am
I’ve never thought about this. I suppose the way you dress will always effect who you attract. I’ve always thought of it in terms of what kind of bloke you attract though, (skanky dress attracts frat boys etc) not whether or not you can be identified as gay or straight. I’ve never thought – never had to think – about having to represent who you are in that way. Great post. Very thought-provoking.
01/07/2010 at 7:53 am
I really hope I didn’t make you think twice about what you wear now
01/11/2010 at 4:04 pm
I’ve tried to categorize myself many times and have just given up. Most people can tell that I am gay by my appearance I think but once they get to know me and find out I like to cook, bake, paint, garden and write they aren’t sure where I stand anymore.
I’m butch in appearance but not in personality – at least I don’t think so!
01/11/2010 at 4:30 pm
shazza! good to see you here
I love what that does to people, when they think they have you down pat in one category but you throw them a curveball. some of my friends still get thrown off when I change something about myself, i.e. paint my fingernails, put pink streaks in my hair etc.